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The Real Estate Project/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW We're very careful about making any changes that are ultimately not in our best interest. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are. [ horns honking ] [ jazz music plays ] [ geese honking ] [ ducks quacking ] [ water splashes ] in today's show, bill is gonna humiliate everybody from scotland. I, on the other hand, am gonna take some old junk and make a heart-lung machine... Glen braxton is gonna use me as a tractor... And harold and I are gonna try and have some quiet time, but he keeps talking. And now here he is, the hot pizza pie of television, the man who delivers in 30 minutes and it's free, my uncle, red green! [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. And here's the reason it's free -- the guy they call "hold the anchovies," my nephew, harold. And now here's something that isn't free. The vacant lot next door is up for sale again, $30,000. Of course, the yammering all starts up about whether or not we should buy it. Oh, why do we want to buy that eyesore? It's just a bunch of junky cars, old fridges, bald tires, empty barrels. Wa-a-a! [ as bette davis ] what a dump. No, that's a recycling center there, harold. We need to get access to all those old refrigerator compressors and rusted-out drivetrains to work on our special projects. [ normal voice ] well, what gives you the right to, you know, trespass on someone else's property and steal all their abandoned junk? We're the ones who abandoned it there, harold. That's kind of like our storage locker. If we don't have the stuff there, it's gonna be in your bedroom. I think buying the lot's a great idea. Yeah. But where are you gonna get $30,000? I'm not worried about the $30,000, harold. It's the $2,000 down. Ugh. It is physically impossible to drink a five-gallon pail full of water while lying down. ♪ oh, me and the wife ♪ ♪ we're getting a divorce ♪ ♪ it wasn't adultery that set us off course ♪ ♪ but keeping it together was too much of a strain ♪ ♪ when we tried to put up a new tent in the rain ♪ ♪ so she finally run off with a cooler ♪ ♪ and I yelled and I cried ♪ ♪ for the rest of our possessions ♪ ♪ we'll just have to let the courts decide ♪ ♪ we'll have no problem reaching a settlement ♪ ♪ and we're sure not gonna fight ♪ ♪ over who gets to keep the tent ♪ okay, it's Thursday night, and that means meat loaf and mashed potatoes. You go through the back door, and your nose goes on red alert. Two words flash through your mind. "new recipe." and when you see it lying there on your plate, you just know you're not gonna like it. Too many vegetables, too much rice, and a quick visual scan reveals very little evidence of a "meat-like product." so, what do you do? She's gonna tell you that's healthy eating, and then she's gonna ask the big one -- "do you like it?" now, chances are, rice is a key ingredient in this new recipe. Now, this is to your advantage. Tell her about your dark past. Tell her that eating rice brings back bad memories of vietnam, post-traumatic shock! Or do what I do -- get up from the table and bolt into the bathroom, stay there for two hours, tell your wife you're not feeling good, and go straight to bed. Yeah, it's early. Yes, you're hungry. But you won't have to eat anything foreign. Then next Thursday, make sure you get home early. Make sure you're in the kitchen. You make the meat loaf and mashed potatoes. And with any luck, it'll be a disaster of such biblical proportions, she'll spend two hours in the bathroom not feeling well and going to bed early. And then next Thursday, she'll go back to making meat loaf and mashed potatoes the same old way just to show you up. [ ducks quacking ] you know, with this lot being up for sale next door, I thought I'd use "handyman corner" to prove a point about the value of having an available part supply for our various projects. For example, this might just look like a pile of useless crap to, say, your girlfriend or your wife or your mother. But the rest of us know that this is a tremendous source of raw material for anything we wanted to make. There might be a car in here that's never been built before or maybe some kind of a customized hovercraft or... Hey, let's build something useful. How about a heart-lung machine? Huh? The perfect father's day gift that keeps on giving. All right, now, what you're gonna need for that -- you got to go through the pile and pick out anything that you could use to suck, pump, compress, or blow. All right, the first thing you want to do is lie your patient down inside the freezer, get his pulse down to around zero, but not too close so there's no point in going any farther. All right, now, you want to take one of these windshield-washer units, which becomes the input to take the blood out of the victim -- out of the patient -- sorry. What you want to do is you want to hook this end to whichever one of his orifices gives you the snuggest fit. And then out of the windshield-washer pump, you go into your carburetor, all right? And this is where the blood gets mixed with oxygen. Now, if it's a fat guy, you might want to go with a four-barrel, maybe put a supercharger on there. Another great thing about the carburetor unit is it's an ideal place where you can add medicine directly into the bloodstream, be it cortisone or maybe a medicinal alcohol like vermouth. And then out of the carburetor, you want to go directly into your water pump. And then out of the water pump, you blast the blood back out of one of these rat hoses, back into the patient. It might be hard finding an orifice that size, especially if he's cold. Anyway, get all that stuff in there. That takes care of that. Now you want to deal with the lung part of the heart-lung machine. Okay, for that, you want to take a funnel like this, duct-tape that right all over the patient's face, maybe put some putty in there and make it a real good seal. And then you hook the other end of the garden hose up to one of the taps on the sink. And then that runs into the nozzle. And now you replace the nozzle with -- well, let's call it a balloon. That's hooked up to another hose, which runs down into a compressor. We haven't hooked that up yet. And what happens is, when the compressor starts up, you see, it lets air into the balloon. [ air hissing ] and then that releases back into your patient. Yeah. So, I'll put that all in there. Take the hose out. Hook her up into our compressor. And as you can see, the whole unit is all driven by a gas lawnmower. So you don't have to worry about electricity cutting out in the middle of open-heart surgery, which I would call a setback. Okay, so -- and another thing, you might want to do all your operations outside. 'cause, I'll tell you, the gas fumes in one of them small operating theaters... So, there. You're all set to go. All you got to do now is wait for the surgeon to say, "okay, we're ready for the life-support thing to start." but before I do that, I just want to remind you, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. All right, getting the word now. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Begin life support! There we -- no. [ engine sputters ] ah, the choke. Yeah. [ engine sputters ] [ groans ] hang on. Hang on. Maybe it's just out of gas. Oh. Nope? Stay tuned as the possum lodge highland games come flashing across the screen and harold fishes for the meaning of life with no bait. I wanted to talk to you young folks there in the generation "x" or "y" or whatever it is. Anyway, I hear a lot of whining about the fact that you're not baby boomers and maybe you missed out on the '60s. But I think you should hear the real story from someone who was there. The '60s was not all peace and love and understanding, believe me. Yeah, there were some kids who practiced free love, and they went to the free clinic. And some of them tried new stuff, then they had their stomachs pumped. And it's true the '60s did inspire some real great protest songs. But we also had the partridge family and the 1910 fruitgum company. And the women's movement for the first time started to get a fair shake on that. But they also got their own cigarette, baby. And, yeah, I know, we had a quarter of a million people show up at woodstock. But a lot more than that went overseas to fight. So the next time somebody tries to put down your generation and makes you feel bad about missing out on the '60s, just hum back a few bars of "yummy, yummy, yummy, I got love in my tummy." well, the deed is done. The vacant lot next door is sold. Good for you! Congratulations! We didn't buy it, harold. I know. Good for you! Congratulations! Not everybody feels that way. Moose thompson and stinky peterson are screaming at me for not buying the lot when we had the chance. I told them we didn't buy it 'cause nobody else wanted it. Men only buy things that other men want. This is so exciting. We're gonna have new neighbors! Are there any other teenagers? You know, are there any -- are there any non-males, you know? You know, like, uh...Babes? No idea, harold. The guy at the land deed office said it was bought was a numbered company. That scares me a little, 'cause when a numbered company buys a property, it usually means it's land developers... Or baptists. You know what we should do? We should act like the welcome wagon. We'll take them over a gift, and we'll welcome them to possum lake. Yeah, all right. There's a bean casserole down in the boathouse fridge. That would be perfect. That's not a bean casserole. That's a pail of fish bait. Well, if they're real fishermen, they'll know that. And if they're not, they shouldn't be here. What you are watching could have value some day. It could be a while. [ engine sputters, ekg beeping ] we're losing him! Well, as most of you know, we're at braxton's marina with the owner, glen braxton. He's got this week's boating tip for us. I'll tell you what, folks. You got to take care of your health. You know, once that ship sails, she doesn't come back. [ chuckles ] I found that out after two heart attacks. Is that your boating tip, glen? No. No, that's a little life lesson, red. All right. Yeah, today's boating tip will be how to properly move a boat on a trailer. That's what we're gonna be doing. So, red, maybe you could swing your leg over the tongue there. Well, don't you have a machine to do this? Don't you have, like, a truck or a tractor? Or what about your car? Nope. All got repo'd. Oh. Yeah. Everything. You know that new guy that lives next door to you? Yeah. He's got a lot of nice stuff. Really? Oh, yeah, yeah. He's got a backhoe, a bobcat, a brush hog, front-end loader. He's got it all. Wow. You should make friends with that guy. Yeah, I might. Well, there's another little life lesson, red -- make friends with people that can do something for you. There you go. Okay, red, old buddy, you want to lean down there and grab that thing? Now, be careful. Just use your legs, okay? 'cause you don't want to end up getting a bad back like I got. Oh, I don't want a bad back, but I wouldn't mind one like you got. All right. Lift her up, there. That's it. Now, just walk ahead slowly, red. [ grunting ] [ laughs ] see, red, you got to pay attention. You forgot to move the rock here. It's not gonna go anywhere with a rock there. No. Here, let me get it for you. I was wondering if you were gonna notice, but you didn't. Thank's for doing that. Hope it's not too much trouble. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Oh, sorry, harold. You're all right. Okay, red, let's go. All righty. Just stick her over by the shed there, will you, red? I got a guy coming to rent it a little while later. Well, why don't we put it in the water, then? [ laughs ] I just took it out of the water, red. Oh, yeah, I can clip the guy for another hundred bucks or so by launching his boat. Oh. You got to be thinking in this business, red. I guess that's why you're doing so well. Oh, yeah, yeah. Use your brain. Save your muscle. Yeah. You know, red, there's a lot of guys who would have done this by themselves. That would be crazy. Oh, yeah. Much easier with the two of us. [ engine sputters, ekg beeping ] [ ekg flatlining ] oh, boy. Sorry. Uncle red, how come older men, some of them, you know, they, like, leave their wives and start going out with younger girls? Because they can. What? No, no, I'm kidding, I guess. But, you know, it works both ways, harold. I hear a lot of older women are leaving their husbands and going off with younger men. Maybe there's hope for you. Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Wa-a-a! Unless I get too old to qualify. Oh, harold, with your personality, you won't be allowed to get old. You know, I read an article about these younger/older relationships. It was called "may/December romance." what do they mean by that, uncle red? Well, harold, a lot of times when a couple's married a long time, they only, let's say, get intimate twice a year -- once at christmas and once in the spring when they open up the cottage. Are you a may/December kind of person? Well, that's a little personal, I think, harold. But I can answer, I think, discreetly with two words -- "long weekends." whoo! Wa-a-a! All right. "long weekend." [ chuckles ] what does that mean? Red: Time for the possum lodge highland games on this week's "adventures with bill." whoa! Oh, boy. Wow. I guess this would be the opening ceremonies. Some guys wear their heart on their sleeve -- not bill. All right, this is my opening ceremonies. Ohh! You all right, bill? What he's showing you here -- most of you don't know, the highland games, of course, come from scotland. This is a little event they have called "tossing the caber." not to be confused with "tossing the cookies," which we do a lot of at the lodge. And this is very -- bill, bill, no, no. No. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. Oh! No. So I put the bungee cord, one of the other secret weapons at the lodge, around there. Now, that'll help. That'll help. I think that'll help a lot. That should keep it right -- you got to -- there we go. There we go. There we go. There we go. There we go. Oh! Nope. Drop that down, bill. There's a train coming. Attaboy. Hmm. All right, I thought this time if I could help him balance it, maybe, and give him a little push, you know, get him going in the right direction -- there, that looks better -- ooh, the sign! Oh! You know, there's a lot more to this than meets the eye. Maybe if he had pants on. Where'd that go? End over end. Bill, bill, I think it's behind you. Bill. Oh, yeah. That's going well. You can see why scotland doesn't rule the world. That's a little horizontal, bill. The va-- oh! Well, now you realize that you don't have to be scottish to do this. You just got to be angry. I'll take it out, there, and I think about where I'd like to toss the caber. But instead of that, I throw her up into the air. Let her go, red! Oh, that's a beauty. That is a beauty. It's over here, bill. Oh, boy. And, of course, for the closing ceremonies, they have the traditional highland dancing. [ humming ] coming up, dalton humphries is gonna show us some valuable antiques, and you can learn about success from mr. Suck-sess, winston rothschild. Well, this goof who bought the lot next door is definitely not one of the guys. But you met him. You liked his backhoe and his bobcat and his bulldozer. Harold, you can't judge a man by his equipment. He used all that stuff to clean up the lot. The nerve! Got all the trucks in there and hauled away all the rest of the junk. Our entire parts department up and hauled away. I know there were two great snow tires in there. I'll tell ya, when he towed away that '74 torino with the landau roof hanging down the side, there wasn't a dry eye in the lodge. Then he hooked up a brush hog and used that to remove every piece of scrub. Yeah, sure, he's got a great view, but he's taking away everything worth looking at. Well, uncle red, it's his property now. He can do what he wants with it. But there are community standards, harold. Is he gonna build a nice house? Is he gonna cut the grass every week? Is he gonna landscape the property? And if so, how do we stop him?! We're out here by the main highway at humphries everything store to get another slant on these city people moving up to the country. And here's our resident antique specialist, dalton humphries. I'm a lifestyle recycler. All right, what do you think of these urban refugees moving up here, dalton? You know, I say god bless them, you know? Because, red, the first thing they do after they put in their satellite dish is fill their country homes with rusty plates, broken chairs, and old phones that don't work. Antiques? Bingo. Yeah, I got these antique magazines here. Well, now, those are a good investment, red. Really? They're full of antiques. Yeah. Yeah, well, antiques are never old news. Now, you get a news magazine, it's not worth anything a week later. Good point. Look what they got for sale here. Uh-huh. "partially restored carriage house circa 1840." now, you have to watch the language in those ads, red. Oh. Yeah, "partially restored." that means it's an unsalvageable money pit and the owner's bailing out. "circa 1840"? [ laughs ] see, that was pre-building code. You're not gonna find a lot of great plumbing and electrical work back then. I guess that's why this guy who bought next to possum lodge is building his own house. Yeah. And in the process, raising values of property all over the area -- even possum lodge. What's that gonna do to our taxes? Oh, nothing good. No, no. That's why I recommend anyone coming from the city -- just buy themselves one of those big, long trailers and just park it somewhere. Yeah, and then fill it full of expensive antiques. [ chuckles ] amen to that. [ both laugh ] welcome. And today oh "the experts" portion of the show, we're being joined by mr. Winston rothschild. [ applause ] all righty, we got a letter, and it goes as follows. It's from a person. "dear experts, I have a law practice in toronto, "and my daughter is also a lawyer. "I have always encouraged her to strive to be the best, "but she is now doing better than I am, and I'm having trouble dealing with that." wa-a-a. "is there anything I can do?" well, you know, I've waited my whole life to give advice to lawyers. But this one's got me stumped. How about you, winston? Well, um, I don't know. Let's take it from the daughter's side of the point of view of the perspective of the thing, eh? I mean, this to me sounds like a classic case of your pot calling the kettle "back." so, what you're saying is that maybe she's not trying to surpass him. Maybe he's just, like, you know, a lousy lawyer. Oh! Oh! Like that district attorney on "the perry mason" show? Wa-a-a! That guy never won a case ever never. Well, you know, at least not ones they televised, you know? He must have won some that they didn't show, because he was on that program for like 12 seasons, so -- ham burger. No, it's true. No, no, no, no, no. That was his name -- hamilton burger. Wa-a-a. You know... That guy reminded me a lot of my old man, eh? Oh, yeah, 'cause my dad was always winning, and I was always ham burger, eh? I'll never forget, you know, he used to say things to me like, "hey, winston, you're useless." oh, I'm sure he was probably kidding, you know? Yeah, it's just like when uncle red calls me "dull head." no, no. No, no, it's not like that. Actually, you know something, it was good for me. Sure, it helped pull myself up by the bootlickers. Oh, yeah. I mean, do I sit, or do I get off the pot, eh? And now look at me, eh? I got the number-one septic sewage-sucking business in the whole county. I am sitting pretty. Okay. Um, what we've learned today, then, is that it's what you think of yourself that is important, and not to let your self-worth be dictated to you by your father or your daughter. Or your nephew. Or your uncle. "worms," by me. "spring has hit the city. "there's leaves on every tree, "and worms festoon the sidewalks "as far as the eye can see. "trampled under boots and heels, they're flatter than bobby v. "at the lodge, the worms are luckier. They get to go fishing with me." I'll tell you, real estate is a complicated business. The guy next door just got finished improving the value of all our properties, and now he's put the lot up for sale. I'll tell ya, he must be seeing something that none of us can see. Yeah. Possum lodge. Wa-a-a! Once he got a clear view what this place really looked like, he didn't want to live beside it. Suits me fine. Nature takes care of its own, harold. No, but just think of it, uncle red. If we clean this place up, we can really increase its value. Yeah, but it will do the same thing to the lot, harold. And then the price will be too high for us to afford. Well, so what? You're not gonna buy it anyway. Only because we don't have to. See, if we fix up the lodge, then the value of the lot next door goes up, then somebody's gonna want to buy it -- we got to outbid them, which we can't afford to do, and we end up with new neighbors, which we don't want. This way, we don't have to do any work, we keep the property taxes real low, and nobody moves in next door, we get a free place to store all the burned-out equipment. Name me one thing wrong with that plan! Well, it's ugly. It's an eyesore. It's an environmental hazard. And it's illegal. I said one thing. Okay, it smells. Well, you get used to that. Real men do. I said it smells... Good. [ screeching ] oh! Cry of the possum. It's meeting time, isn't it? Well, I guess I'll just go be with the other men. Wa-a-a! Somebody should warn them. If my wife is watching, I'll be a little bit late tonight, 'cause we're gonna go over to the lot there and throw all our broken furniture and a few rusted-out hot-water tanks. We got a '75 omni we're towing over. Got no doors, no motor in it, and everything. We got about 200 army surplus metal bed frames -- I'll tell you something, bernice, we're getting our lives back here. And to the rest of you, thanks so much for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang out here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ screeching continues ] [ indistinct conversations ] all: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Got a special presentation for you tonight. Winston's got something so great. This is great. Don't go anywhere. Don't look yet. Well, you can look now. Wow. I got it. Watch your head. Red: If you'd like to become a member of possum lodge and you got 3 bucks to blow, you can either mail it to the address here on the screen or dial 1-800-ypossum.